The Journey

**Warning this is a long and probably boring post! I am only documenting it for the purpose of using my blog as my own journal. I don't think I will ever forget all that we had to go through, but I know that I need to write it down for the future.

JK and I had been married for about 3 months before we decided to start trying for a family. We had prayed about it and just knew that this was the right time for us. I knew that it would take me a few months to get back to normal from going off birth control, but I never thought it would take as long as it did. I felt that if we had felt that it was the right time, then why would there be any problems? Little did I know, one year later we still wouldn't be pregnant. I had so many thoughts go through my head. I was so confused, so angry, and so hurt. I couldn't understand why we would feel that we should start trying and have to go through all this pain and hurt and still have it not happen. I know that I was looking at it all wrong, but in those moments I was selfish, and I was hurting. My whole life all I ever wanted to be was a mother. I thought I would grow up, get married, and start a family. It all seemed so simple to me. I felt like I was some sort of failure because I couldn't get pregnant. I never knew that so many complications could come into play. Life is hard sometimes and I wasn't prepared enough for it. So here is the how our life has been of trying to conceive this amazing little guy now growing inside of me.

I went in for my yearly appointment after we had been married a year, and had been trying for 9 months. While I was there I decided to ask my dr. about it. He recommended that I have some blood work done to test my hormone levels. He also thought that I should have a HSG test done, which is a test where they shoot a dye up into your uterus to see if your fallopian tubes are blocked. I was so nervous about getting the results for the tests, but wasn't sure if I wanted to know the results. When I went in to the dr. a week or two later I found out that one of my fallopian tubes is blocked, and my hormone levels were way out of wack. I have something called (PCOS) polycystic ovarian syndrome, which causes your hormone levels to go crazy, and can cause infertility. I heard those words and felt like my whole world was caving in on me. I couldn't move, couldn't think, could barely breathe. This wasn't happening to me. It couldn't happen to us. We wanted a family. I couldn't stop crying. My heart hurt. After I calmed down the dr. told me that he was going to put me on some medication to try and regulate the PCOS. He also was going to have me take a fertility drug called clomed which is a pill form of fertility and it supposed to help you ovulate. You take clomed for 5 days out of the month, and they can make you crazy. I felt so bad for JK for having to put up with me. But I could not have done it without him. He is my rock. My whole world. He kept the faith when I didn't think I could go on anymore.

I was on clomed for 4 months, and no luck. dr. Lunt recommended I see a fertility specialist by the name of Dr. Faulks. He comes to St. George once a month to do consults. We went and saw him and I happened to be on my last day of clomed for that cycle. Dr. Faulks decided to do an ultrasound to see how my eggs were developing. When he did an ultrasound he found out that my eggs were not growing at all, and the clomed wasn't doing anything. While doing the ultrasound dr. Faulks also found yet another problem, he found polyps on my uterus, which prevents a fetus from being able to implant. Once again another big rock fell in the way of us getting to our dream of starting a family. dr. Faulks was so great though and helped to keep the calm. The following week JK and I headed up to SLC so that I could have surgery to remove those polyps. I was scared to death to have surgery, but I knew it was just another step that we had to take to start a family. The surgery went great and really wasn't as bad as I thought. When I woke up from surgery I was very loopy, and had some major cramping, but it only lasted a few days. While I was in recovery from the surgery the dr. came in to talk to us about what the next month would have in store for us. The next month would be the start of our fertility cycle, full of shots, and lots of ultrasounds. I would start the month off with days 5-9 of clomed, then days 10, 11, and 12 would be given with a shot in the stomach of brovelle (fertility drug to help my eggs grow and get ready for ovulation). I went in for an ultra sound after day 11 to see how the growth was going, and my eggs still weren't growing as much as they should have in this point in the cycle. I was so frustrated I didn't understand why this was happening. The next day was thanksgiving, and I took my last day of brovelle. I went in the day after thanksgiving and saw a new dr. (dr. Chalmers) because my regular dr. wasn't working over the holiday. When we went in to see dr. Chalmers we were hoping I had grown enough and that we could have artificial insemination done down here in st. George by dr. Chalmers. Lucky for us my eggs had grown a ton!! Unlucky for us, they had grown to much and I had 9 eggs that were ready to drop for the insemination. Which I thought was great, but dr. Chalmers informed me that it was to dangerous because my chance of quads or more was to high. So he then told us that we had to hurry up to dr. Faulks office in SLC to have some eggs removed before the insemination could take place. Before we left St. George I had one more shot of HCG to take which would cause my eggs to drop in 24 hours. We headed up North and were in dr. Faulks office Saturday morning at 8 am. They collected the semen sample from JK to prepare it for the insemination that would happen in a few hours. We then went in to have my eggs removed. Dr. Faulks decided to remove 5 of the 9 eggs, for my safety. I won't go into details of how they do it, but it was the most painful thing i've been through! I could feel them draining each and every egg. Lucky for my that only took about 20 minutes or so. After draining those extra eggs, it was time for the insemination. That was quick and painless. We were told that there was only a 20% chance of it working the first time. The odds were not in our favor.

We were then told to just wait and not worry. I was to go in on Dec. 9 for a blood test to see if I was pregnant. Those next few weeks were the longest weeks of my life. I went in first thing in the morning and waited to hear from dr. Faulks. When I got the call I couldn't believe what they were telling me. It had worked. Out of that 20% we were the lucky ones. I immediately drove to JK's work to tell him the good news. We cried tears of joy. After all the tears, the hurt, and the pain it was finally happening. Our prayers were answered. Since then it all seems like a dream, we have been lucky enough to have lots of ultra sounds due to the high risk of the pregnancy and every time I see this little boy I am reminded how  blessed we really are.

That is our story of how this little miracle of ours came to be. I know that there are many people out there who have it much harder than we did and my heart goes out to all those people. Looking back at the feelings I had throughout this experience I know that a lot of the time I was negative and felt as though I was being picked on in some way. I couldn't understand why heavenly father would want us to go through this? It just didn't make sense to me. But as I look back now I know it was just one of the many trials we will go through in our lives. Maybe we felt to start trying early because heavenly father was giving us the time it would take to conceive a child. I got so depressed at times, and the only thing that kept me going was JK. My absolutely amazing husband. He means the world to me. He kept me going when I didn't think I could stand another day. He was strong for me when I couldn't. I am so grateful that I married such an amazing man. I cannot imagine my life without him. I am so exited to start a family with this amazing man I get to call my husband. He is going to be the best father in the whole world. Our son is truly a miracle and a constant reminder of the blessings that our heavenly father has blessed us with. I do not know why we were chosen to go through this trial, but I do know now that we can make it through anything if we do so together. It has helped my testimony grow so much and has made us even more grateful for this little boy of ours.